Have you ever felt like you were anticipating an answer, though you already absolutely knew what it was? Specifically, when you knew that the unwanted result was about to come, like; you haven’t passed the interview or the exam, a relationship was over, etc. And despite this inner confident Knowing, you were still waiting for the answer. In fact, you needed that outside approval to your inner Knowing.
And as it arrives, approving what we already know, we are still hurting, breaking, disappointing. Even though we know, the intensity of the reaction is as if we don’t.
I believe that our need for outside approval, even when we know on the inside, is also a result of the culture we grew in – there’s always someone who knows better than us, even about us and about our bodies. We are raised to trust our inner voices, and our gut feelings, less than the outer ‘knowledgeable’ ones, or maybe even not at all. But this is not what I want to discuss with you. Not at this post, anyway ;)
Nor that we need the answer, because we humans are constantly looking for Certainty, and we are not good living with Uncertainty, to say the least. Our brain prefers to know a 100% ‘Negative’ on keeping the ‘Good’ chance an option.
Nor that our bias to think about the negative is to help us prepare, be less surprised, and more functioning, if ‘the worst’ happens. It’s just another survival mechanism.
The thing I do want us to pay attention to is that the pain from the outer answer, that approves our knowing, is not only the result of the negative answer. It is also a result of our Hope extinguishing. Surprisingly, the human is an optimistic creature, and its tendency is to beautify reality, especially with time passing. Again, a survival mechanism – if we won’t be optimistic, why would we want to Live?!
So as long as we haven’t received that piece of information confirming what we don’t want, we still have, even if the smallest, Hope, that when extinguished
with the outer approval, will cause us pain. Because at that moment there’s a space of “No Hope”, since we still don’t recognize the other options, and we sure cannot think of the Good that will come out from the Bad.
What do I want to say with this? What is important for me that you would know? And why? Good questions! Since I am surely not interested in you losing Hope in advance, just to avoid the pain of losing it. Hope is a very important inner resource, a moving force towards our goals. It’s a positive prediction in our nervous system, that creates motivation to keep moving forward and existing!
So, I really want you to know that this Hope ‘knows’ something! Even when we know that the worst of all is about to happen. It ‘knows’ that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is another option, there is more Good to come. Even when we still cannot see that, or even think of anything good, that will come out of it. (Just to clarify, that the fact that something Good will come out of the Bad, doesn’t make the Bad ‘all good’, and it also doesn’t cancel, nor belittles, the suffering or the pain we’ve experienced and wished to avoid).
And it is important to acknowledge this for the sake of our Mental Wellbeing and our Resilience. Understanding that all things are both ‘Positive’ and ‘Negative’, is very meaningful and life changing.
Nothing is 100% positive nor 100% negative. (Yes, as I write these words, I hear you shouting at me: “Are wars, illnesses and diseases, early deaths, crimes, hostages, poverty, hungry children are positive?!?” Obviously, I don’t think they are, and I also do not know why Life on our Planet consists of so many sufferings, hardships, killings, inequity, and losses. I tell myself different kinds of stories on this matter, along with me being a strong believer that “There are No mistakes in the Universe”). Because as we look back on History, we can see, that even the worst of all has led also to some good outcomes, and even some very good ones. And when we remember and acknowledge that, we can reconnect with Hope, even when we get the outcome we didn’t want or the Bad result. So that Hope will keep us and our Ego – home of our survival drive – Safe and will keep us Open and Curious to find and perceive new information! That’s how Humanity has discovered, developed, and found, everything it has discovered, developed, and found :) For the sake of survival and answering our needs and wills, even in darkest of times, there were the ones that believed in the Light, found it and led others to enjoy it.
Another interesting point is that the loss of Hope is necessary, and it has also a bright side, since this is the thing that enables us to let go (of what is over or was unsuccessful), so that we can move on and find the different What and How for what we wish.
Another reason I’m sharing this with you is that I am curious to read how it all works for you. What do YOU feel when you know ‘the Bad’ is about to happen? And when you get the final approval for it? And how do you proceed from there?
AND – what happens when you know ‘the Good’ is about to happen, and you are still anticipating the outer approval? For instance – you know you got in, you passed the test, the relationship will continue, things will fall into place though it’s chaos now, you will heal and overcome – and then you receive the approval you are right, it’ll be good! What happens to your feelings and reactions? Do the Happiness, Gratitude, Relief grow bigger? Smaller? Stay the same? All the above? Write & tell me!
I’m researching Hope!
It is very needed nowadays.
The song I will always hope will become a Reality
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